I am falling hard for someone and I feel absolutely disgusted and disappointed with myself.
For the past year, I have been
madly in love with a boy, or so I thought. We met, he swept me off my feet, and saved me from the dull, apathetic relationship I was in. He gave me the courage I thought I never had, the courage I did not know was residing in my the entire time. I went to places I never thought I would go to, and did things I never thought I would do.
It was downright exciting, but it came with a price.
Going places and doing things costs money. Money he didn’t have. I ended up spending around 1.5k our entire relationship. Also, he tended to make jokes and say things that hurt me, but I always tried my best to brush it off. After all, he was my savior. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life. He always said he never wanted to marry me, but I would always daydream about it. I felt like he truly completed me. I thought about him all the time, every day. Even when he was around, I would miss him because I knew he could not stay long. He was not my world, but he sure meant a lot to me, but I was not to sure he felt the same. He would take out a lot of frustrations on me. Keep secrets from me. Blow me off for my own xbox. Why?
All of my loved ones started turning on me and it hurt me. I would do anything to make them happy, but would I do so at the risk of my own happiness?
Long story short, the semester ended and our relationship became somewhat of a long-distance relationship. Now I am not too sure which occurred first, but either way, I started feeling disconnected from him. Now, every phone call I got from him resulted in an eye roll from me instead of the gitty, girlish giggle that had resulted only a few weeks ago. It felt almost like a chore to talk to him.
Was it because I was finally seeing reality or was it because I had met someone else?
I went to a party with a few friends to blow off some steam (and by that, I mean I would get drunk and rant about my bf to anyone who would listen). I met someone who, at the time, was just another person. They were nice, but in the long run, they meant nothing to me. Someone I would maybe see once or twice more at other parties. Suspiciously, I did see him more. Anytime my friend asked me to hang out, he would be there. People joked that my friend was trying to set me up, but I discarded that notion. After all, I was in a happy, committed relationship. I did not need anyone else.
However, as I got to know him, my perspective changed, but I could not go for it. I would not throw away something which I held so dearly on a whim. We all went out: two of my friends, one of my friends’ gf, my best friend, this new guy, and my boyfriend. To be honest, I did not even want to invite the boyfriend, but I felt obligated to. I had been blowing him off and I was determined to fix it. To fix myself. I was not going to give up. Unfortunately, he took up most of my time. In fact, he downright fought for my time, dragging me away from everyone else. This is basically how the rest of our relationship went. I would pull away, and he would pull me back harder.
However, I started seeing something in the boy, but I did not know what. I still did not know him very well, but something piqued my interest. So, I pulled my best friend aside and encouraged her to go for him. I wanted to live vicariously through her. I wanted him, but I
could not would not have him. However, I did not know him very well, so I could not just set it up. I guess this meant I had to get to know him better.
I am a shitty wingman. I knew what I was doing, but I kept telling myself not to let it happen. I knew he wanted me, but I would keep telling myself I was hanging out with him so I could set him up wit myfriend,but I think I knew the truth deep down because I would always feel guilt afterward.
As I got to know him, my feelings deepened, but I would tell myself every time before we would hang out that this was the last time, and then I would stop this and not see him for a while. I would not do this, not again. I had been in two stupid love triangles, I would not do it again. I was not going to develop feelings for someone who was not my boyfriend.
Well shit, I sure did.
And now here I am. A messy breakup occurred with my now ex, thanks to my mom, although I truly think I was done with that relationship, but then why can’t I move on? I still love him, no doubt, those feelings do not just vanish, but what else is it? also, why am I moving on so quickly? This was not supposed to happen. I did the same thing last year, too. What makes this situation different? What if I do the same thing to this guy next year?
I still think about my ex, although not as often as I like, but there are some moments that hit me hard. I think I just started to resent him, and I now resent him even more because I feel like he is trying to guilt me back, but what if he isn’t? What if everything is true? I told him he was the only one for me and I meant it, so maybe I should not go back on my words, but I cannot go back to the relationship, not now.
I will regret it if I do not go for this new boy though. Honestly, he is my main focus, but I do not know if I can following through with it. I feel too much guilt. I fear that I will do the same thing to him. I feel guilty that I am moving on so quickly, but I am trying not to think too much and just focus on what will make me happy.